5: The Only Spark Of Brightness

Summer's warmth had been replaced with the biting chill of early autumn, only softened by the wood fire stove in the office of the butcher's shop. Caleb was kissing me here, here at home in Aylesbury. I again was a passenger in my own body, unable to do anything but watch as the memory played out.

A kiss is a funny thing. I'd kissed a few of the men over the years in my home. My father was wary of my virtue, though, wanting to make me a good match. I was rarely allowed to be left alone in young men's company. One did seek me out, though. Caleb Oscuro, the butcher's son, liked me. He was loud and abrasive but not without his charms. He was tall, with sandy blonde hair that seemed never to be contained by the leather cord he used to tie it up. Wisps were always creeping out around his face. His green eyes locked on me that first time we met. The intensity made me nervous, but I steeled myself to his gaze. At that first meeting, he was seventeen, and I was fifteen. He would pass me notes when I picked up a cut of meat for a special occasion- it was rare we ate livestock that we did not process ourselves. Those notes sang my praises, and he begged me to meet him outside the shop.

You are the only spark of brightness I can find in this village. Will you let me bask in your glow? That first note had read. He wrapped it neatly with the prime rib we ordered for our winter holiday, written on the back of a paper receipt. I ran hot with a feeling I had never known before. It might have been the power I could weld over him, and it might have been some hormonal want. I liked it either way. I didn't want to appear eager, though- I did not respond to his advances at first. His persistence did eventually wear me down. I relented after many more notes and lingering touches of my palms when he handed me my family's orders. Even though I would sneak stolen moments with him in that dark alley behind, where no prying eyes could shame us, I'm not sure I felt as he did. It did leave me with the head rush of being wanted by someone. Every time I ventured into town, I would browse his father's shop. Occasionally I bought things I didn't need to quell any suspicion. Once he saw me, he knew what to do. I would take my leave, and shortly after that, he would meet me around the back door. At first, we would hold hands and plant quick kisses on each others cheeks. We always touched in stolen moments, neither of our parents aware nor consenting of a budding courtship.

When I turned 18, the innocent moments behind that shop became more direct. Instead of holding hands, we would hold each other's faces and search each other's mouths greedily with tongues to find that feeling of being wanted. Caleb would slip his hand under my blouse and massage my breast. The want is what drove us. After that, we barely knew one another besides how our mouths a bodies fit together.

You are the only spark of brightness... I would imagine those words as the tall man ran his hands over my body. I had never thought myself special before that. Now, sitting here on his father's desk, myself 23 to his 25, he kissed me in the dim glow of an oil lamp.

Illustration by Ana Kajaia

"Cordelia, I care for you, you know that, right?" He inclined his head to me, his dirty blonde hair shifting from one side of his brow to the other. My hips moved, spilling the neatly placed ledgers to the floor. Caleb took my soft face into his work-hardened hands and spoke again, "Do you think, would you want to— "He paused, "Marry me?" He softly questioned.

I didn't want to marry anyone, I thought. As soon as I married, I became someone's property. I liked Caleb. I liked how he made my body feel, and I liked the wanting. I had spent my entire life here in Aylesbury. I didn't want to leave my family, but I knew there was more that I needed to see before committing my whole being to one man. Caleb was sweet. He made me feel wanted and not alone. Was that enough?

"No... But I do want to be here with you now." My lips were interrupting before he could speak as I kissed him in response. I wanted him, and I know he wanted me. It was different for a man- he lost nothing and gained a wife, a dowry, my farm. I wanted more- maybe I was putting off the inevitable saying no now. Caleb broke the kiss and stared hard into my eyes- searching them, his blue eyes darkening as his pupils dilated. He sucked in a deep breath.

Caleb tipped my head back by tugging gently on my long braid, trailing his kiss down my neck. Pausing, he looked up at me and rubbed the bulge between his legs, straining the fabric of his breeches. We had never laid together before, and I had never laid with anyone before. He pulled my blouse buttons open and freed one of my breasts. He leaned down, taking my nipple between his lips while he rubbed himself. "Can I have you, Cordelia?" He said as he unbuttoned his breeches and unveiled his throbbing manhood.

"Yes." My body unsteadily said, not scared of the lovemaking but unsure of what this would mean for us. A no and yes. I couldn't give him my hand, but I remember thinking at that moment maybe my maidenhood would suffice- for tonight. My sex pulsed with want. I did want him. I did enjoy this. He slid himself into my slick center to the hilt. Although I expected it to be painful, as my mother had told me it might be, he faced little to no resistance. The feeling of fullness was incredible. He brought his mouth to my nipple again, sucking the sensitive nerves that resided there. The pleasure was intense, and his shaft went deep, then quickly, and left me wanting when I was empty on the upstroke of his work. Just as I felt that Caleb had established a good rhythm, as though I might shatter into a million pieces- I was left disappointed.

With a grunt and a sigh, Caleb removed his cock quickly from me as he spilled his seed onto my chest. How could we be finished when we were only getting started? He handed me a hand towel hanging from the edge of the office sink. I began to clean up his mess.

"That was different than I expected," my body said. I had never been good about disguising my disappointment. Caleb narrowed his brows,

"Was it bad for you?" He asked, eyes full of expectation. I wasn't unkind, and I still needed to feel him wanting me. But, on the other hand, I knew I could easily injure him if I wanted to.

"No, not bad, just different." His brow softened. Different is not the word I wanted to use. I remembered that I had wanted to say unfinished, unsatisfied, but had bit my tongue. His hand drifted again towards the apex of my thighs- For a moment, I thought he might continue his work. But instead, Caleb placed his hand on my bare belly before pulling my skirt down. Then, pulling me up to seated, he buttoned my shirt and laid a kiss on my brow.

"I do care for you, Cordelia." He said, tucking a loose curl behind my ear. "Just remember that, please." Some slight sadness flashed behind his eyes. My body nodded that I would, unsure of what he meant then. My memory body left that shop and felt strange the entire walk home. I remember thinking was I changed? Was it love we felt? It didn't seem to match the stories my school friends had shared. Their love is so full of passion, so rewarding. My body buttoned my blouse and made my way towards the back door.

That same heat rippled through my neck, with my ears full of static, I was whipped back into the bedroom of the estate. Nelo eyed me cautiously, placing a hand on my shoulder. I was leaning against the bedpost as if blown into this room by some violent wind.

"Are you okay?" She asked as my eyes refocused on her face. "You were quiet and unmoving, and then suddenly you gripped the bed frame."

"I was home just now; I-" I shook my head in confusion. She nodded towards me knowingly and said,

"Sometimes crossing over the veil can cause visions of your past. Time shifts strangely in the journey to either realm." I pressed my palms against my face and rubbed my eyes. It didn't feel like a memory. I could taste Caleb on my lips still.

"It was so real, I...." I looked down at my hands, flexing my fingers out, trying to convince myself what had happened was only a memory. Before I could get a grip on myself, that same hot tang crashed into my spine again. Somehow, the magic I had activated in that cave twisted me back to my home. I lay on the bed, my mother by my side.

This was a bad memory. The month after Caleb and I slept together, his father announced his betrothal to the blacksmith's daughter. My father had remarked on what a good match they were, nudging me with a wink that he hoped to find someone that matched that well for me one day. I didn't tell my parents of his betrayal, but I think my mother knew. She always could see through my guarded exterior. She had come into my bedroom later that night after my father had given me Caleb's happy news. She had laid her hand on my back and spoke softly.

"Did Caleb know about your feelings for him?" She asked. Turning my head away from her, I answered.

"There was no way he didn't," I said. I didn't know why my heart was broken. I had told him no after all. It stung that he hadn't been more persistent, maybe, willing to marry someone else so soon. My mother placed a kiss on the back of my head.

"Sometimes, we as women can find comfort in temporary places. You're no longer a child, and you can make those decisions yourself." She left me after that- her words less than comforting but true. She started to go, standing for a moment in my doorway- I could feel her presence and screamed at my body to turn, tell her she needed to run, and maybe look at her one more time. I knew I couldn’t. My heartache was palpable as the whipping magic brought me back to that exact spot in the bedroom I had just been in.

”Nelo, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She put a hand to my brow in worry as I panted shallow breaths.

"Orthus might be able to help. The King knows much about slipping the veil." She grabbed my hand and started leading me from the room. "Let's get some food in you. A proper meal might right you a bit." She smiled at me again. I followed Nelo out of the room and towards a grand staircase. She stopped and turned, looking toward me. "Let me introduce you to everyone after we eat? I love a grand entrance." She held up both hands, signaling me to stop at the top of the steps while she descended with a wink. I think she was taking in her work, the gown, her artful decoration of my hair. I didn't feel like myself, but I allowed her to give me this kindness.

Everyone. I wondered if maybe Nelo was the queen of summer. She held the same pointed ears that graced King Orthus, but they didn't seem from the same world. She was lighter in her demeanor than the King. Though he had been kind to me, a heaviness hovered over him. Maybe the duty to his summer lands, or perhaps something else. Nelo stepped down the stairs, her feet so graceful they seemed to skip weightless down the treads. It appeared that Nelo had a flair for the dramatic. Now, she motioned for me at the bottom of the stairs with her hand. I started strolling down the steps, holding the skirts of the dress made for me as not to trip.

"Think before you step," I said under my breath. My feet were bare, and I assumed it would be no issue as Nelo didn't wear boots. It felt free, but like I was breaking some unknown rule. I pushed the lingering fog, those memories of Caleb from my mind, wiping his taste from my mouth with the back of my hand. Once at the bottom Nelo gently took my elbow and led me into the dining room.